2019 was certainly the hardest year of my life. After a 5- year courageous journey & bold battle with Glioblastoma brain cancer, my mom earned her eternal crown of victory on April 7, 2019. If you want to read more, please head over HERE to read about her heroic journey. Learning to live a life without her is like tackling the unthinkable…and coming face to face with the impossible. Missing my mom profoundly impacts my everyday life. It intersects with everything I think, say and do. But through her death, my eternal hope has been transformed.
The First Ten Months of Missing My Mom
The beginning of 2019 was littered with many firsts without my Mom and far too many lasts with my mom.
I have shed more tears than shared in laughter.
Everything in life felt more heavy and hard than light and care- free.
I started the year as a wife, mom, daughter, caregiver and friend.
Then, in a single blink of an eye, life as I knew it ended.
Never to be the same again. A forever transition.
I was no longer a caregiver.
I no longer had a Mom here with me on Earth.
My family lost our anchor…the connector…the glue that bound us all together.
The timeline of events leading up to my Mom’s death was unexpected.
Even with glioblastoma brain cancer, she had been defying the odds for five years.
Why couldn’t she come back from these two debilitating seizures this time?
She was a warrior. An overcomer. Constantly rebounding.
I held onto HOPE for earthly healing.
I knew God could do it. He had been faithful for five years when medical book statistics and doctors alike only gave her 12 to 15 months to live.
Why not now?
But, the question was not, IF HE COULD…but, IF HE WOULD?
How Would God Choose to Answer My Prayer?
He chose eternal healing instead of physical restoration.
He chose to bring her into her forever home with Him instead of leaving her here in her home with me.
I always knew that was always a possibility…but…I was not ready.
You Are Never Ready to Lose Your Mom
I never would’ve been ready to lose my Mom.
Regardless of the harsh realities and slim probabilities of Glioblastoma, I was not ready to face a life without my Mom in it.
Five more minutes, five more days, five more months or five more years…
I NEVER would have been ready to meet a new life, a new existence, without the woman that gave me life.
You really cannot prepare yourself for what is to come.
You can imagine it.
Think through all the scenarios.
“What if?” yourself all day long.
But, no matter how much you think about it, imagine it or ‘prepare’ for it, NOTHING prepares you for the reality of your worst nightmare coming true.
You cannot fathom the unspeakable pain or the incomprehensible void until it happens.
In the Middle of the Mess, God Was There
As life unraveled and fell apart at the seams…I still had HOPE.
As I watched brain cancer steal precious life away from my Mom; I simultaneously witnessed the Lord preparing her so delicately and tenderly for everlasting life.
I held my Mom’s hand and hung on her every breath until her last; just as Jesus ushered her into heaven.
Her last breath here became her first heavenly breath in the presence of her Lord and Savior.
As my heart shattered into a million fractured pieces, I still had HOPE.
Where Did My Hope Come From?
My HOPE was found in a person, not in an outcome.
My hope was in Jesus Christ.
Even though everything I knew was being torn apart, my HOPE remained.
My hope in
…His perfect peace.
The Lord Became My Lifeline For My Everyday Grief
The Lord showered me with a million graces.
His amazing grace was nothing I deserved but everything He had promised.
He drew me closer to himself and wrapped me tightly in his unconditional love and mercy.
He breathed new life into the deep caverns of my spirit.
He refreshed my weary soul.
He gave me strength when I was so weak. He helped me stand as I stumbled to fall.
His presence radiated light into my daunting darkness.
He blessed my brokenness beyond my wildest dreams and continues to do so as the minutes and days pass by.
Life Then and Life Now As Missing My Mom Continues
In 2019, I became a daughter who has to relearn how to live a life here on this side of heaven, without her Mom.
I learned that grief and joy can and do coexist.
Related Post: What Grief Looks Like After My Mom Died
My life is in total transition.
I feel like a stranger in my own body and an imposter in my own life!
I continue to be a total work in progress.
Most days I’m an utter hot mess! Captain of my own hot mess express!
God is Providing for My Everyday Needs as I Am Missing My Mom
As I wake each day, I NEVER feel ready to face the day without my mom.
But through it all, God gives me exactly what I need, when I need it.
Praise the Lord He holds it all together for me when I feel like it’s all falling apart.
There are days that I feel empowered…like today might actually be the day that I can get through without feelings of missing my mom derailing the moment or in some cases, the entire day.
Then, there are other days where I feel like I’m parachuting out of a plane, without a parachute.
The Lord has written every word of this 2019 chapter and I am willfully giving him the pen for this next chapter in 2020 and beyond.
I am trusting Him to lead me exactly where He needs me to be for this time, for this new season.
I am not promising that we won’t grapple or that I won’t throw a two year old temper tantrum when things do not go my way; but I am going to try to surrender each moment to him.
When I fail, I will repent and ask for grace.
Then I will try again…and again…and again.
I Am Who I Am Because I Am Missing My Mom
I previously said that I broke up with 2019 and truthfully most of the decade.
However, I would not be the person I am today without every bump, hill, valley, mountaintop and avalanche.
every turn of the pedal…
-God is refining me
-Preparing me for the Kingdom work He has planned for me in advance.
He continually nudges me to fully trust Him and His leading, even when & especially when I cannot see or understand the way.
Related Post: Surrender and What That Means for Me
The good, the great…the bad, ugly and the horrible…ALL required!
Nothing was an accident or left up to chance.
Nothing was a surprise to God even when it was to me.
I pray and pedal forward into 2020 with HOPE and beautiful expectation!
As the days roll on and the months pass away, I will continue missing my mom and our life together. Over time, I know my thoughts and feelings will change but missing my Mom will always be an active part of my life.
Missing my Mom is hard and oftentimes heart breaking. However, missing my Mom gives me the opportunity to remember and experience her deep love for me and carry that forward into my future.
Missing my Mom is a sacred gift.
Ronda Ball says
This….This is my story. I to watched my mother fight this same battle. This is the words I haven’t been able to find. Thank you for sharing your story.
LeRyiah Arant says
Ronda, thank you for sharing your heart and I am so thankful that my words resonated with you and maybe gave you words to how you were feeling. I pray that you will continue to journey along with me and join the Pray & Pedal On Community! You have a home here and you are not alone. I pray you continue to find hope, healing and encouragement from our time together. My prayers are with you and I am so sorry you had to experience these circumstances. I would not wish it on anyone.